(no subject)

Everyone else seems to be putting up their Thanksgiving "to do" and "already done" lists, so here's mine:

Done:

--Woke up.
--Peed.
--Staggered to coffee pot, loaded pot, switched on.
--Preheated dishwasher.
--Removed plastic bag from turkey.
--Called dogs to remove disgusting crap from turkey's innards.
--Attempted to remove Spirit the Dog's head from inside of turkey. Failed. Spirit the Dog has a head like a concrete block. It turns out to be a lot easier going into a turkey's butt than out.
--Yelled to choirboypuppy to fetch camera.
--Moved breakables out of the way as Spirit the Dog raced around the house attempting to remove his head from the turkey.
--Fetched WD-40.
--Greased dog.
--With choirboypuppy holding turkey, braced feet against kitchen counter and yanked dog out of turkey.
--Apologized to Spirit the Dog. Told Andy the Dog that he gets his turn next year.
--Washed turkey. Shook turkey dry.
--Sprinkled turkey with salt and pepper.


To do:

--Cook turkey.
--Clean dishwasher.
--Clean dog.

(no subject)

"Hello, is this the police station?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, twelve police officers descend on Jack's house.. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly thereafter, the phone rings at Jack's house.

"Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the police come?"

"Yeah!'

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"