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Well, folks, it's that time again. Time for the annual publication of the most well-loved recipe in my vast repertoire. So well-loved, in fact, that the good folks at the Choirloft have asked me to bring it again this year.
[Yes, truly. Surprised the hell out of me too.]
Without further ado, and for your Thanksgiving culinary pleasure:
Turkey In Dishwasher a la Ketchup Cocoa Puff Sauce
[annotated to include Helpful Hints]
This is a great Thanksgiving recipe because it frees up the oven for pumpkin pies.
I've adapted this recipe from a seafood cookbook.
Ingredients:
One large turkey (20-30 lbs)
Aluminum foil
Salt
Pepper
Electric dishwasher
One gallon (approximately) ketchup
Giant-size box Cocoa Puffs
Wash and dry turkey. Remove and reserve nasty innards and plastic packets of unrecognizable goo. Sprinkle with salt and pepper (the turkey, I mean, not that disgusting shit you just pulled out of the bird). Wrap turkey carefully in aluminum foil.
Place turkey on bottom rack of electric dishwasher. DO NOT ADD SOAP OR DETERGENT. If you have one of those ancient dishwashers that hooks up to the sink faucet so that the water from the dishwasher runs back into the sink, place bucket under faucet to catch, uh, drippings.
Run dishwasher twice. Be sure to use highest heat cycle AND dry cycle to avoid undercooking. Do not use "pot and pan wash", as that may shred the skin right off your turkey. Nobody likes a skinless turkey.
Remove turkey from dishwasher and shake well to remove excess water.
You will notice that your turkey is kind of pasty-looking, and that the skin's texture is somewhat less crisp than you may be accustomed to. This is where the magic comes in.
Combine ketchup and Cocoa Puffs in large non-metallic bowl. Stir well, but not so well that Cocoa Puffs fully dissolve. Spread liberally on turkey. Allow to sit for at least several hours (up to 24 hours) unrefrigerated. Sauce will form a somewhat bumpy glaze.
Gravy
Remember those dishwasher drippings and the disgusting things you pulled out of the bird? Well, if you're a purist, feel free to boil them together for a couple of hours and serve with turkey. Take the plastic wrap off the goo before boiling. Personally, I prefer the canned stuff.
Helpful hints:
(1) Do not try this in a microwave. Few microwaves are large enough to accommodate a 20-30 lb. turkey unless you amputate its limbs. People prefer turkeys with extremities.
(2) Serve with extra Cocoa Puffs on the side. Some people like their turkey Extra Crunchy.
(3) If you have dogs, by all means you should ask them to pull the nasty goo out of the turkey. Personally, I'd never stick my hand up a dead turkey's butt unless it was full of diamonds.
I look forward to seeing you all at Thanksgiving dinner.
P.S.: If you re-post this, please do so with attribution. If this recipe ever ends up in the New York Times food section, I want royalties.
[Yes, truly. Surprised the hell out of me too.]
Without further ado, and for your Thanksgiving culinary pleasure:
Turkey In Dishwasher a la Ketchup Cocoa Puff Sauce
[annotated to include Helpful Hints]
This is a great Thanksgiving recipe because it frees up the oven for pumpkin pies.
I've adapted this recipe from a seafood cookbook.
Ingredients:
One large turkey (20-30 lbs)
Aluminum foil
Salt
Pepper
Electric dishwasher
One gallon (approximately) ketchup
Giant-size box Cocoa Puffs
Wash and dry turkey. Remove and reserve nasty innards and plastic packets of unrecognizable goo. Sprinkle with salt and pepper (the turkey, I mean, not that disgusting shit you just pulled out of the bird). Wrap turkey carefully in aluminum foil.
Place turkey on bottom rack of electric dishwasher. DO NOT ADD SOAP OR DETERGENT. If you have one of those ancient dishwashers that hooks up to the sink faucet so that the water from the dishwasher runs back into the sink, place bucket under faucet to catch, uh, drippings.
Run dishwasher twice. Be sure to use highest heat cycle AND dry cycle to avoid undercooking. Do not use "pot and pan wash", as that may shred the skin right off your turkey. Nobody likes a skinless turkey.
Remove turkey from dishwasher and shake well to remove excess water.
You will notice that your turkey is kind of pasty-looking, and that the skin's texture is somewhat less crisp than you may be accustomed to. This is where the magic comes in.
Combine ketchup and Cocoa Puffs in large non-metallic bowl. Stir well, but not so well that Cocoa Puffs fully dissolve. Spread liberally on turkey. Allow to sit for at least several hours (up to 24 hours) unrefrigerated. Sauce will form a somewhat bumpy glaze.
Gravy
Remember those dishwasher drippings and the disgusting things you pulled out of the bird? Well, if you're a purist, feel free to boil them together for a couple of hours and serve with turkey. Take the plastic wrap off the goo before boiling. Personally, I prefer the canned stuff.
Helpful hints:
(1) Do not try this in a microwave. Few microwaves are large enough to accommodate a 20-30 lb. turkey unless you amputate its limbs. People prefer turkeys with extremities.
(2) Serve with extra Cocoa Puffs on the side. Some people like their turkey Extra Crunchy.
(3) If you have dogs, by all means you should ask them to pull the nasty goo out of the turkey. Personally, I'd never stick my hand up a dead turkey's butt unless it was full of diamonds.
I look forward to seeing you all at Thanksgiving dinner.
P.S.: If you re-post this, please do so with attribution. If this recipe ever ends up in the New York Times food section, I want royalties.
